Finding myself feels like a destination, but I never really get there. Because who I’ll be tomorrow isn’t who I am today... and because finding myself isn’t ACUTALLY a destination, it’s a process. It’s a way of life.
Here’s what I mean: As an art student, a time when literally ALL you do is “find yourself”, I thought I had a pretty good handle on who I was and what I was doing. Specifically, I’d established that I was a mixed media artist who made weird, beautiful things. I was someone who let the work floooow and let the process happen without me being in control. All good things, as far as my peers and my grades were concerned. BUT… working toward a gallery show I had a visiting teacher blow my mind and TOTALLY knock me back.
He looked at my work on the walls… and then looked at my workspace… it took him about 10 seconds to nail me. He gestured to the walls and said “this is good…” then, pointing to my workspace (a “table” made from a door laid on sawhorses where I had meticulously organized ALL of my supplies for an entire month’s worth of work) … “but this is you.”
Um… WHAT!?!?! I was so mad!!! Because I was the go with the flooooow mixed media artist who made weird, beautiful things and didn’t try to micromanage my own creative process!!! Right?? Wrong.
Literally anyone who has ever met me knows that that is just wrong. I am SO controlling and SO not a go-with-the-flow person. The habit of letting go is useful and important to have learned, and it served me well as far as my professors were concerned. But that visiting teacher was absolutely right in that I was missing the point.
Now? Every time I sit down to create something (brands, art…. blog posts…) I work toward finding balance. The balance between finding direction and letting go. It’s a process… and I’m working on it.